It was over ten years ago when I came across the word ‘paracosm’.
A paracosm is a detailed, self-created imaginary world that can be built from a young age and often lasts into adulthood.
I was like ‘Eureka!’ THIS is what I have!
Ever since I can remember, I would daydream, not regular daydreaming- the type of daydreaming that would consume me… and I loved it! I was an extremely shy child, and in this fantasy world I created, I could be who I felt I was inside. I had a few friends in this world (who have evolved) that I trusted dearly and were true friends.
I distinctly remember daydreaming about sitting in a circle (something we did in primary school), and I would be in the presence of God. We would ask God questions, and he would answer. I must’ve been 6 to 8 years old.
My paracosm (or is it maladaptive daydreaming? More on that later) has evolved as I’ve aged. It wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There was a period in my early teens when I would watch the news and listen to how someone got raped. My heart would hit the floor, and I’d retreat into my daydream, where guess what? I was raped by, guess who? My father. Not my real dad, but a version I created. I still can’t explain why this was my response to hearing or reading about rape, but I was a child. It would go on until my mid-twenties. It wasn’t always doom and gloom. I had friends with whom I would have fun. Music was a big part of the daydream. I would listen to music in the back room of my house, I would dance while daydreaming, peeking out the door to the kitchen, hoping no one would discover me. It has nearly always revolved around music.
So, to Maladaptive Daydreaming. Part of me feels like I’ve come across this word before, but it’s only striking my consciousness today, having come across it during my Google searches.
Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition characterised by excessive, vivid, and immersive fantasy activity that interferes with daily life, social functioning, and responsibilities. Boy, is that true of what I’ve experienced. There were times during my teens when my friends would ask me to go out. But no one was home, and I could dance and daydream to my heart’s content. But I just discovered a new song, and I would want to see how it lands in my fantasy world. But I just wasn’t social!
In the last few years, coming to 8 years since I’ve been on anti-psychotics religiously (i.e. I was non-compliant before then, taking medicine when I pleased), I just can’t daydream the same. Boy, do I miss my love interest!
After going to Uni, I would daydream in bed, usually before I went to sleep. Do you know, the longest I’ve daydreamed was 62 hours! In bed, just daydreaming my life away. Getting up to go to the toilet and coming back for more. I couldn’t get enough! During university days, I would daydream for hours before fully going to sleep. Then, when I would wake up from sleep, I’d enter the daydream again. I was so tired by the time it came to go to lectures. Most of the time, I wouldn’t go. My uni days were the period of my life when I experienced severe depression. During the first three years, I only made one friend from my course of over 170 students. My fantasy world was my social life. I remember going shopping in ASDA; on the walk there, I would daydream, miming the words I was saying in the daydream as I walked. It took over my life.
So, is it a paracosm, or is it maladaptive daydreaming? I’m thinking the latter.
Have you experienced this? I would love to hear from some people who have this. I used to think it was normal, and everybody did it. It must’ve been during my mid-teens when I discovered it was only me. But it’s not just me. Anyone care to share their experiences? Write me in the comments below.